All I Want For Christmas
by Amy-Star
Summary: Sebastian has never enjoyed a Christmas since childhood. A problem that persists when he falls in love with a certain boy. Written for Seblaine Secret Santa.


Sebastian found out about his parent's divorce on Christmas eve when he was seven.

To be technical his mother, in a angry tangent fueled by the large amounts of alcohol she'd been drinking, told him after his father had phoned in to say he wouldn't make it to Christmas eve dinner due to a problem at work. She then fled to the guest bedroom where she proceeded to cry for the rest of the night. Sebastian also learned that Santa wasn't real when he woke up the next morning to find no presents under the tree or in his stocking. His first reaction was that he'd been bad which is why Santa didn't come. He stood there alone in the living room crying until he realized the truth. Him being good or bad didn't matter because Santa wasn't real. The truth was his mother and father were too wrapped up in their own issues to care about him.

It was then Sebastian grew to hate Christmas. Every single one that followed afterward was horrible.

The Christmas he spent with his mother in Paris at age ten where she partied he whole time with her friends. The Christmas his father left for a business trip leaving Sebastian alone in a large and empty house. To his family Christmas was not a day you spent together. Sebastian never spent his holidays decorating the tree, making cookies, or watching Christmas movies. He spent them alone in his room or in a hotel suite eating take out dinners.

He never looked forward to Christmas. In fact he dreaded it every year. As he got older he never understood why everyone made such a big deal out of it. To him it was just another day of the year but instead people placed high expectations of being happy and loved.

In a ironic twist of fate Sebastian's experiences grew worse after he fell in love with a certain boy.

* * *

Sebastian sat alone in his car in the parking lot of the airport. He received a text from Blaine a couple days ago wondering if Sebastian would mind picking him up. The request was surprising considering the two had just started talking again.

After the failed attempt by him and the Warbler to woo Blaine back to Dalton he assumed he'd never see or hear from Blaine again. To his surprise Blaine texted him the day after he stole back the trophy. It was an odd message. Sebastian sensed that Blaine might have been confused about what he wanted to say when he wrote it. He thanked Sebastian for putting together a Warbler performance he could sing in. Expressed concern as to why Sebastian wasn't captain anymore and that he thought Hunter was shifty. Then to Sebastian's surprise asked if he wanted to get coffee sometime.

Sebastian didn't put too much stalk in the offer. Blaine was a individual of impeccable breeding and manners. He probably wanted to be polite but was actually hoping Sebastian would never agree to it.

Then two days later he received another text from Blaine again asking if he wanted to get coffee. This time Sebastian took him up on it.

The road back to their friendship was not easy. Blaine was cautious around him as if afraid to let down his guard. Sebastian was straining under his attempts to be a nice guy. Finally after a few weeks the two were able to talk like friends again. Sebastian was grateful for the second chance though he worried about messing it up.

"Hey there," Blaine greeted when he opened the car door and slipped inside, "Thanks for coming."

"No problem," Sebastian said offhandedly. True it was late afternoon on Christmas day but he didn't have any plans. He already talked to his mother on the phone from Paris for thirty awkward minutes. His father said he tried to get back home tonight but Sebastian knew that meant he wouldn't see him for days. What else did he have to do besides wandering around a empty house?

"How was your trip?" Sebastian asked as they pulled out of parking lot and onto the main road.

"Amazing," Blaine breathed out blissfully.

From the corner of Sebastian's eye he saw that Blaine's eyes were warm liquid honey and a wide smile graced his face. He never seen Blaine this happy before. He knew that Blaine had gone to New York with Kurt's father which Sebastian thought was strange. Why would Kurt's father take his son's ex-boyfriend with him? Why in the world would Blaine agree to go?

"That's good," Sebastian gave a non-committal response. Blaine didn't seem to notice. Too lost in his memories of his time spent in New York.

"I got to see Kurt and we went skating," Blaine's entire body seemed to thrum with excitement, "I think we might have a chance to get back together."

"Oh," Sebastian said in a toneless voice, "How can you be sure?"

Blaine gave him a look as if to say Sebastian didn't get it.

"I asked if I could go to NYADA," Blaine said, "And he told me he was fine with it."

"Why would you need his permission?" Sebastian pointed it.

"That's not the reason I asked," Blaine sighed and shook his head, "It means he's okay with me being back in his life. There's hope that we can still have our dream of being in New York together."

Sebastian ignored the way his chest constricted painfully at the thought. He knew he didn't have a chance of being with Blaine but it hurt just the same. A small voice inside his head whispered that he wanted to be the one who made Blaine that happy.

"I hope it works out for you Killer," was all he managed to say.

"Thanks," Blaine grinned widely at him, "This might just be the best Christmas ever."

Sebastian disagreed completely but he kept silent and focused on the road ahead of him.

* * *

"Tell me why I'm here again?" Sebastian groused, "I need to get ready for the Christmas party tonight."

"You have plenty of time," Blaine waved off his concerns, "Besides you look pretty amazing right now."

Sebastian sighed but didn't continue to argue. He hated how Blaine's casual compliments made his stomach flutter with pleasure. He wasn't a seventeen boy anymore therefore he shouldn't react like one. He was twenty years old. On his way to receive a degree at Columbia with high honors. In the past few years dated underwear models and Broadway actors. So why did Blaine Anderson still have this hold over him?

The two walked down the streets of New York in silence. Snow gently fell down on the city. Everywhere you looked there was tinsel and wreaths and red bows and all the trappings of Christmas. Christmas musical drifted through the air. If Sebastian was the type to be effected by such things the sights around him would have warmed his heart. Instead he was annoyed of being dragged out here too all this cheeriness against his will.

Blaine led him into a small jewelry store. Before Sebastian could ask why Blaine wanted to be here his friend made a beeline to a case filled with rings. Sebastian walked up to Blaine's side and saw that they were in fact engagement rings. His heart suddenly dropped to the pit of his stomach.

"I can't decide between these two," Blaine started, "I find this one to be elegant and simple but will Kurt think it too simple? Then this one has a more classic flare…"

Sebastian found himself blocking out Blaine's voice. He couldn't believe how he found himself in this situation. In the past few years the two of them had grown close enough to consider each other best friends. Therefore it made sense that Blaine wanted to have his opinion. However Sebastian had a desperate urge to run out of the store to get as far away as possible.

"Blaine you can't be serious," Sebastian finally spoke up.

"What?" Blaine tilted his head upwards to stare at Sebastian, "I know you find inscriptions cheesy but Kurt likes them."

Sebastian had no idea what Blaine was talking about nor did he care. He had yet to get passed the point that Blaine was planning to propose marriage to Kurt.

"You're twenty years old," Sebastian ignored how Blaine's face fell with disappointment, "You're haven't even graduated yet. You don't have a steady job. The two of you just moved in together a month ago. You're not ready for marriage."

"We're ready," Blaine retorted instantly, "Honestly I've been ready since high school."

"Why now?" Sebastian asked.

"Because it's Christmas," Blaine said like that explained everything, "This is a special time a year for us."

"You and everyone else in this city," Sebastian groused.

"Listen I know this sounds crazy," Blaine sounded upset now, "But you don't get it. I know that I'm suppose to spend my life with Kurt. Why should I wait till I'm older to marry? I know right now that nothing would make me happier than being Kurt Hummel's husband."

A large lump embedded itself in Sebastian's throat. No matter how many times he swallowed it wouldn't go away. Blaine stood in front of him with his eyes filled with hope for him to understand and be happy for him. His resolve to be against this idea weakened and fell apart. But the pain remained.

"Get him the platinum band with the blue diamonds," Sebastian eventually said, "It'll match the color of his eyes."

"Thank you. Your opinion means a lot to me," Blaine gave him soft smile, "I know you're against marriage and you probably think I'm a idiot."

I'm not against marriage, Sebastian thought to himself, just the idea of losing you forever to one.

"You're not an idiot," Sebastian felt a smile tug at his lips, "A moron definitely but not an idiot."

"Oh thanks," Blaine deadpanned as he bumped his shoulder into Sebastian's.

"When are you going to pop the question?" Sebastian asked.

"Tonight at the Christmas party," Blaine said in excitement, "All our friends and family will be there."

Sebastian silently decided he'd come down with the flu tonight and would unfortunately not be able to make it.

* * *

Sebastian's regretted kissing Blaine the moment it happened.

The first few seconds were blissful. Blaine's lips were as warm and soft as he always imagined them to be. His tongue tasted sweetly of peppermint from the candy cane he'd been sucking earlier. For Sebastian it was a dream come true until he felt Blaine pull away and reality come rushing forward.

Blaine was not his boyfriend. Blaine had recently divorced from a two year marriage. The only reason why Blaine was over spending Christmas with him was because this would be his first Christmas without Kurt. This time last year Blaine had been in Ohio drinking eggnog with Kurt and his family while Sebastian went to Mexico alone. Not wanting Blaine to be depressed Sebastian had offered refuge in his apartment since Blaine had no where else to go. Sebastian had actually been excited to finally spend Christmas with someone he cared about. Now in a moment of weakness he ruined everything by kissing Blaine.

Blaine pulled back ad gazed up at Sebastian with wide eyes. There was a light pink blush on is cheeks from earlier when Sebastian made Blaine laugh so hard it brought tears to his eyes. In fact that had been the reason Sebastian couldn't hold back from kissing him. However there was no sparkle of amusement in those golden orbs any longer. What remained was a confused and searching look.

"Se-Sebastian?" Blaine stuttered his name out in question.

"Forget about it," Sebastian hurried to say, "Pretend that never happened."

Hurt flashed briefly over Blaine's face and it made Sebastian under why. Blaine wasn't the one who was about to be rejected by his long time crush.

"Sebastian," Blaine said as he drew in a calming breath, "Please let me explain."

"It's fine Blaine," Sebastian stood up suddenly wanting to place distance between them.

"But I want you to understand."

"I do," Sebastian interjected, "Honestly I do. You don't think that after years of being by your side that I don't know that you'll never love anyone but him."

The 'Him' didn't need to be given a name. Both knew who it was and that he was gone. Sebastian had been forced to watch Blaine for months carry that loss like a dark funeral shroud. In the past few weeks it had gotten worse. Every Christmas song reminded Blaine of 'Him.' Blaine couldn't bring himself to bake this year because apparently he did it with 'Him.' Blaine cringed at the thought of ice skating or watching Love Actually because those were traditions he had with 'Him.'

Regardless of the large amount evidence that Blaine wasn't going to get over 'Him' anytime soon he had hoped he would. Which is why he was a fool.

"I need to go for a walk," Sebastian announced when Blaine sat there speechless. Without waiting to see what his response would be Sebastian grabbed his jacket and was out the door.

The night air was freezing. The streets empty since everyone was home spending Christmas with his family. Once again Sebastian was reminded why he hated this time of year. Christmas was for family and loved ones both of which Sebastian did not have. Christmas meant his loneliness being shoved in his face where he couldn't avoid it.

Sebastian wrapped his coat tightly around himself and walked down the icy street. His intentions was to find the nearest bar to drink himself into a numbness that wold last till after New Years. To forget how kissing Blaine for a few brief second made him feel more alive then anything in his life.

"Sebastian! Sebastian wait up!"

Sebastian turned around and was shocked to see Blaine running towards him. He waited for Blaine to catch up with apprehension. Blaine smiled in relief when he reached Sebastian's side. He then bent over to catch his breath. White puffs of mists curled into the air from Blaine panting heavily. Sebastian wondered how fast he ran to catch up. As well he noticed Blaine was just in his jeans and and bright red sweater since he apparently had forgotten his coat.

Blaine reached out to grab Sebastian's wrist to help pull himself up. Surprisingly Blaine didn't drop his hand but instead held tighter as if worried he would disappear again.

"I want you to kiss me," Blaine blurted out, "But…but I'm just not ready."

"Blaine I told you it's fine," Sebastian sighed out, "You don't need to worry about letting me down nicely."

"You don't understand," Blaine's free hand drag through his curls in frustration, "I do want to be with you. I want to hold your hand and kiss you and wake up beside you in the morning. And yes, I do want to sleep with you too, in that way."

"Oh," Sebastian said in surprise.

"I like you Sebastian," Blaine gazed up at him earnestly, "I like you way more than you know. Which is why I can't be with you."

This had to be the strangest rejected Sebastian had ever experienced.

"You're right I don't understand," Sebastian admitted.

Blaine gave him a rueful smile before turning serious again.

"I just got out of a eight year relationship. After an embarrassingly short marriage I'm a divorcee at twenty four."

Blaine paused and Sebastian gave him space to collect his thoughts.

"I need time. Time to understand where I went wrong with my relationship with Kurt. Time to believe I can fall in love again."

Sebastian silently nodded. He had a feeling that would be Blaine's answer.

"I'm not saying this to let you down easily," Blaine's thumb brushed over the thin bones in Sebastian's wrist."

"I would be fine if that was true," Sebastian offered, "You're not obligated to return my feelings Blaine."

"I appreciate that," Blaine took a step closer, "But the real reason is that I don't want to mess up what I have with you. If we rush into this too soon then I might lose you. You're not a one night stand or a rebound to me."

"What am'I to you then?"

"You're my friend but more than that. You've always been by my side and I honestly don't know what I would do without you," Blaine took a minute to select the right words, "You're my…you're my Sebastian."

Sebastian felt his heart clench in his chest. He didn't know what to say or even if he could form the words so he just nodded in response.

"I can't promise that I'll be ready today or even tomorrow," Blaine wrapped his arms around Sebastian's waist to pull him in closer, "But one day I know I'll be able to love you the way you deserve. The way I want to. I know this is horrible of me to ask but…will you wait?"

Sebastian thought he'd wait forever if it meant he could be with Blaine.

"Yeah, Okay," He smiled at Blaine, "I think I can manage that."

* * *

Sebastian eagerly opened the door and stepped inside his warm house. His drive home had taken longer than usual due to the heavy snow fall that came out of nowhere. A lot of people at his work were excited that it was going to be a white Christmas while Sebastian wished he lived somewhere tropical or that snow didn't exist to begin with.

He shrugged off his coat and left his briefcase on the table in the front hall. His plan was that he wouldn't do anything work related till New Years. It was Christmas eve tomorrow and it was time he took a well deserved break.

As he walked further into his house he could smell oranges and cinnamon and hot chocolate. He bypassed the brightly decorated Christmas tree in the living room and went straight to the kitchen. His eyes spotted his husband and two children huddled close at the kitchen table. The three of them were decorating gingerbread houses. Sebastian watched them silently and for the millionth time realized he was the luckiest man alive to come home to them.

"Daddy!" His son was the first to notice his presence. His large hazel eyes, the exact same shades as his father's, lit up at the sight of him. He dropped what he was doing and rushed over to him. Sebastian couldn't stop the wide grin on his face as he reached to swing his son up into his arms.

Blaine's reaction was less enthusiastic but just as happy. He walked up to wrap an around around Sebastian's waist and kissed him on the cheek.

"How was work baby?" Blaine asked.

"Done and over with," Sebastian put Tommy back on the ground, "I'm not all yours till January 3rd."

"You're always all mine," Blaine teased.

He then pulled Sebastian down for a slow and lingering kiss. Sebastian wrapped his arms around Blaine's trim waist to pull him flush against his body.

"You're cold," Blaine chuckled when Sebastian's fingers trailed up the soft skin of his lower back.

"You should warm me up then," Sebastian said lowly in his ear.

"Later," Blaine turned his head to kiss the underside of Sebastian's jaw, "When we don't have two innocent eyes on us."

"Daddy!" Tommy impatiently called from the table right on cue, "Come see my gingerbread house."

Sebastian reluctantly pulled away from Blaine but happily went to see what his children had created. Tommy's house was a mess of color with every inch covered with candy. While his daughter's Kathryn had carefully decorated hers with the seriousness and care of someone performing brain surgery.

"Nice job Princess," Sebastian kissed the top of her head. He couldn't hep but be proud of the fact Kathryn inherited the Smythe eye for detail.

"What about mine?" Tommy gave him a pout that eerily similar to Blaine's.

"Yours makes a bold statement," Sebastian said which caused Tommy to beam happily.

"Daddy can we watch Frosty the Snowman?" Kathryn tore her attention from her creation to ask.

"No! We're going to watch Rudolph," Tommy interjected before Sebastian could answer.

"Rudolph is stupid," Kathryn sneered.

"No he's not," Tommy argued back, "He's awesome and we're watching Rudolph."

"Frosty."

"Rudolph."

"Frosty!"

"Rudolph!"

"They've been at this all day," Blaine said with a weary smile, "I swear they get crazier every year. It's going to be a intense Christmas this year."

"Good," Sebastian replied sincerely, "Nothing would make me happier that a crazy and intense Christmas with my family."

"You sure about that?" Blaine asked. His beautiful hazel eyes stared up at Sebastian with affection and love.

Sebastian though back to all the Christmases he spent alone. The ones as a child surrounded by expensive toys but forgotten and abandoned by his parents. The ones as a teenager where he pretended he didn't care ever though deep down he hated how alone he was. The ones as a young adult pinning after a boy that couldn't love him back at the moment. Now in his thirties Sebastian had the one thing that made Christmas something worth celebrating; a family.

"Completely," Sebastian answered as he pulled his husband in for another kiss.


End file.
